What’s going on

July 29, 2015

I have no idea. One minute I was feeling relatively ok, the next I was worried about the kids, feeling lonely, anxious, and then all of a sudden I get this familiar horrible feeling of wanting to be gone. The feeling of wanting to leave everybody else alone. Get out of the way. Just be gone. Out. Done.

The Other World

May 8, 2015

I suppose we would all want to live in a perfect world without conflict and where things go our way.

It could be craziness or simply avoidance, but when the world becomes a scary place, I run away to that other world, where things work out, where all people are friendly, where they are caring. Sometimes I can choose to be there, sometimes my thoughts take me there and I can’t control it. But once I’m there I have control. I feel loved and cared for.

Throughout the years there have been people who have become important for me for one reason or another. I can choose to keep them in my life even after they left. Some of them hurt me very deeply buy they were very significant when they were in my life and it hurts that they left. In my head I can decide how they behave. I don’t have to keep the memory of how they hurt me; they can be nice, caring, loving. I can repeat over an over again interactions with those people that made me feel warm.

When I wake up from that dream world, however, these people have become a lot more present and alive, but the memory of their rejection or hurt is more vivid than the pretty illusion I have created in my world. The thoughts become so painful that I run away to my world where I can control other people’s actions and protect myself from being hurt.

People are a lot more than their mistakes and misdeeds. I wish I could focus on the positive too.

April 24, 2015

I don’t understand why when I see bad in somebody, that is the only thing I see.

When I get angry at somebody, all the positive qualities and the enjoyable relationship that we could have had at some point, disappears. I’m trying to think of examples – let’s say I. Yes things ended badly on my side because I feel rejected. She ignoring me completely because her new friends told her I was a bad influence definitely hurts. And then R feeding the fire by telling me all the new ugly things I has been doing – her lies, her manipulation, her feeling of superiority, and I could go on and on. I can’t stop thinking about all the negatives.

But if it was really only negatives, we wouldn’t have been friends for so long. We always had problems and there were always things I disliked: her lies, her manipulation, her feeling of superiority. There were also positives. It’s so hard to think about them that I’m pretty sure there are more than I can count, but some that come to mind are:

1. We used to have fun together, going out for dinner, for beers, ice cream with the kids.

2. We could count on each other to help with kids’ pick ups, kids’ projects, solving ….. Issues.

3. We could talk to each other without the need to have a previous appointment (thing that still surprises me is commonly needed in American culture).

4. We enjoyed working together on kids school projects and helping in classrooms.

5. There was so much background in common, it was extremely easy to hang out. Plus she was the one who always kept me informed of old friends tales.

6. We knew we had each other, if for nothing else, just to know the other one was there.

I could say that thinking only about the negative, protects me from the pain of losing the positive. That makes sense, but then why do I do the same with other relationships. Friends could hurt me in some small or big way, while I’m hurting – or while I’m angry, I can’t think about the positives. The same thing happens with my mom. I do not believe she is perfect or pretend to ignore all her meanness, but since it’s often that she hurts me, I have very little time to think about her interest or her kind words, before she hits again.

When it’s friends, it’s complicated but simpler than with my mom. I can stay angry at I and only think about the negative because she is not my friend anyway. With other friends, let’s say C, I can just stay mad at her until something happens, or until I make it change to save the relationship and then go on with her friendship. The problem is still that next time I’m mad at her, the anger will keep building. The caring and love starts very slowly again, but the anger starts where it left last time.

With my mom is a lot more complicated. If I could have some balance, see the negative but without forgetting the positive, I could forgive her easier for the pain she has caused and keeps causing. I want to love her. I want to need her. I want to see the hood in her.

Disconnection – Want or Need

April 13, 2015

I need to be disconnected for a while because it feels safer; because nobody can hurt me this way. I am only trying to protect myself.

Yes, feeling means pain and suffering. I don’t know if I can feel something else. Maybe my brain (or my stomach) needs to be retrained to feel positive emotions as well. Although I’m sure I can feel joy, excitement, happiness, when I think about emotions what comes to my mind is fear, anger, shame and guilt.

What is she feeling, if I’m not there and I am not feeling anything? I’m just leaving her alone with all the overwhelming emotions and also knowing that part of her left her to sort all this on her own. I’m protecting myself by abandoning her. Which is actually protecting myself by abandoning myself since she is me.

I don’t know if I can reconnect. I guess is more not wanting to than not being able to. I do not want to reconnect because I know she is in pain. I know she is suffering. That much I know. That is why I left her. Who is she? Is she really part of me? I though that had already been settled, but it’s difficult to understand that she is me and I am not there. She is me. I am just not feeling. The questions would be: Is she feeling? Is she suffering? If I left to stop feeling, why did she stay? Because somebody always has to stay. But that would be me. I am inside myself but I am not. I am outside.

I’m touching my hand and I can feel that. That means I am still inside me, but it feels like a memory. This is not happening now. It’s like I am watching a movie – A movie of myself. Going back to the previous question: Is she feeling something, suffering? Is she in pain? Am I leaving to protect myself from those emotions or she is taking my place to protect me? Is she there to protect me? Then I am not abandoning myself – I am taking care of myself – she is taking care of me.

I don’t recognize myself as being me, yet I can feel touch. Where does it stop being me and starts being someone else?

Can I make a conscious decision to go back? Would I want to? I would like to know if I could, even if I chose not to.

Does somebody have the answer? Does anybody else ever feel this way? Why do I do this? Why CAN I do this? Why can’t I avoid it? Would I want to avoid it?

Sit with the feeling

March 25, 2015

I remember somebody, a while ago, telling me that when I feel too anxious or too upset or too sad, I don’t need to act. I just need to sit with the feeling. I remember hearing it like it was yesterday but I can’t remember who said it or under which circumstances.

I’m extremely anxious now. I took Xanax, then beer and then more Xanax. I know that is a bad combination but when I feel so desperate two things happen:

1- It’s hard to think before acting

2- I’m so desperate, I’m willing to try anything to help the emotions pass.

So I find myself sitting with the feeling (although it was after acting but before self-injuring). I’m anxious. About what? About B and school. The teacher asked him to do something yesterday and B received different instructions from somebody else and the teacher was upset because B didn’t do what she asked him to do. The teacher has seen B making excuses in the past, so I get her frustration. This time I could see in B’s face that it was really a misunderstanding. I offered to help him after school and we all agreed, but the teacher kept going on and on about how B needs to be responsible for his work and take ownership. I truly get it, but this kid needs a break. Attacking him like that when he is already upset is not going to help and is just going to exacerbate his feelings of self-doubt and helplessness. 

I want him and need him to be successful. I’m worried, probably worried is a better word than anxious right now, about B. I agree that he needs to become more responsible but this is his third week at school. It is a lot of adjusting. I don’t know how much of this is me being a helicopter parent and how much is real concern for his well being. I know most of my worries are about the future but I felt awful leaving him today at school. He seemed so scared and upset, so little. I don’t know how to help him and it breaks my heart to see him suffering so much. I want to hug him and never let go.

There, I guess I sat with the feeling, also wrote about it and that is obviously better than hurting myself to relieve the anxiety or worry. It’s true that I could be just starting to benefit from the Xanax and beer that I took earlier, but I sat with the feeling and I’m past the need to hurt myself. I made it through it and I’m feeling better.

Issues are not resolved and I know it’s going to take time, but the immediate risk was with myself and not with B. Now I can finish with the self-pity party and begin to think about how to help him. 

Protected: A confession.

March 24, 2015

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If you aren’t happy…

March 22, 2015

nothing is worth it - happy

Behind the physical pain

March 21, 2015

I need to write because nothing seems clear anymore, or it has never been, actually, but has never been as confusing as it is now.

There is a little girl inside me. That is one thing that is clear. She is afraid. Nobody is looking after her. She asks for my protection and I leave her, I disappear and abandon her. When I feel her need of emotional support, I disconnect out of myself. I am scared of her need. Why can’t I be with her? I am afraid of her almost as much as she is afraid of being alone. Is she trying to get my attention? Does she hurt me because she is mad at me? Because she needs my attention? To make me come back to my body? Is that what happens when the pain makes me reconnect? Is she the one who cuts me? Or I am cutting her? Or somebody else or I am punishing myself for not protecting the little girl? For leaving her? Or is she helping me dissociate? because sometimes it feels that way. Am I separating myself from her, to let her know we are not the same person? I am not her anymore and shouldn’t feel afraid. She shouldn’t need to be afraid because she should have me. But then she doesn’t. She doesn’t really have me, or anybody else. The little girl is alone and always has been. Why doesn’t she talk to me? Or why can’t I listen?

The question keeps going back to who is causing the injury? Even when I can remember, I am not always connected to myself. I do feel like somebody else is doing it to me. It’s too harsh to blame a little 5 year-old, innocent, defenseless, helpless. Who is it then, if it isn’t me? But then sometimes it is me. Sometimes I know I am doing it. I feel anxious and can’t cope. Thinking about doing it releases endorphins and helps me feel better because it numbs the pain, just like Xanax or Lorazepam or beer do. It’s like I medicate with endorphins instead of pills. But I feel both, the anxiety and the endorphins. For the few seconds or minutes when I’m actually injuring myself I only feel pleasure and then relief. I feel ashamed for feeling pleasure at wounding my body.

And then there is also hurting myself to feel, to return to my body. It seems like it works both ways. It makes me dissociate when I’m in too much pain; and it brings me back when I am numb, away.

And the girl hurts me to be heard and loved. I feel responsible, feel like I need to be back and love her when she is in so much pain and physical pain is tangible. It’s a lot easier to deal with physical pain – hers and mine. I can be with her when she is physically hurting. Emotional pain is a whole other story.

Is there somebody else hurting me? Is the little girl hurting herself or hurting me?

How can I stop a behavior that is so complex and has so many different purposes depending on what is happening at the time? It doesn’t matter how much I try to understand it, there is always something else that is still unknown. How can I stop it when I don’t do it, when I’m not behind it, when I’m just observing from the outside or being hurt?

Am I causing this headache also because I need the physical pain again, because all this is too emotionally draining?

I can’t solve this in a day, and I don’t think I’m any closer to understanding why I, she, or anybody else is hurting me. But maybe I understand the first step. I need to love the little girl inside me. She only needs love and protection and I should be able to do that. First try to stop hurting her and let her know that I’m here for her, that she doesn’t need to hurt herself or me because I am here for her. She needs to feel loved and maybe I am ready to love her and listen to what she needs.

Family… A source of anger and pain

March 15, 2015

Anger beyond belief. Self-injured to punish myself for being so stupid, for trusting the wrong people. But is there right and wrong people to trust? Maybe not. The mistakes is to trust.

How do I end up getting hurt by people that seem to be closer to me. People I love and I think love me are the ones that end up hurting me the most, because I let them, because I let the guard down.

I wish I had a normal family – family who all loved each other and supported each other. Is it that hard to always want the best for others? I wish I had someone, anyone, who I knew I could go back to whenever I need, and feel their love, their trust. But no, everything is a pretense. Nothing is real. Everybody is alone.

SI worse than ever

March 15, 2015

The last three days have been intense. Since Friday things are changing. I know I feel out of control when I cut myself, but the last three days it has been different. I can’t stop. I keep cutting once, and again, and again. I have spent hours doing it and I can’t stop.

I am scared. This is not me. Somebody else is doing this to me. I am not cutting myself but I’m letting it happen. I’m letting her hurt me and I don’t know why. I know I need help and I don’t know how to get the help that I need.