Although my whole life I have felt like something is “wrong,” I don’t know if I was actually depressed before March of 2003. A and I had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years – two years and two months, to be exact, when I finally got pregnant. Yay for us!!! Well, not so much… As soon as we found out, I started cramping and bleeding. I found a new doctor (Dr. PS) and with a quick ultrasound she found something. It was too small yet to see a heartbeat, but a baby (or so we thought) was definitely there. Some blood tests, some bedrest, another ultrasound, this time WITH a heartbeat and I was back on my feet. Started bleeding again, another ultrasound, blood tests, more bedrest, the whole think – up again, down again, and so it was over at 9 weeks when we could not see a heartbeat anymore. A D&C followed and the pathology report told us that not only we had lost our baby but that it had been a partial molar pregnancy and I could get cancer, so I had to have my blood checked every week for three months. The roller coaster was not over yet; it was just beginning.
I started to get depressed. Depressed for the baby I had lost that I wanted so much. Depressed for not being allowed to try to get pregnant again for six months. Depressed because so much was uncertain at that point. In my head I could not get past the fear of not being able to ever have a baby. With some pushing I agreed to see a therapist, W. It took a while but I started to feel better. A few months later we were trying to get pregnant again. With Dr PS’s help we tried IUI‘s, six of them, with Clomid. I got pregnant on the fourth try, we were very excited, until a few days later we ended up in the ER. Lots of pain and bleeding and we eventually found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. Another roller coaster, but back trying a couple of months later. After the sixth try, the depression had gotten so bad I was barely getting up in the morning. I started to take Zoloft and the depression just got worse and after a few weeks I overdosed. I went to see a psychiatrist who decided I needed to increase the dose of Zoloft. Later when the anxiety kept getting worse, they decided that wasn’t working and switched me to Prozac and then to Celexa. For anxiety I took Buspar, which landed me in the ER, and Ativan with somehow better results. And at some point a psychiatrist even prescribed antipsychotics with chaotic results.
In the fertility department, we started an IVF treatment and got pregnant on the first try. Lucky us! And this time, we were actually lucky and had a healthy baby boy (B) nine months later. Nine months of no psychiatric meds and I had never felt better – except for some (or a lot) of normal pregnancy anxiety. We had baby B and somehow that joy and happiness of the previous nine months had been pregnancy related and I started heading down again. Quickly.
One year of psychiatrists and drugs, tried Paxil and Klonopin for anxiety. I decided to see a naturopath and that was a little more appropriate for me since I was always very skeptical of doctors and medical treatments. The naturopath made several sugestions, like changes in diet and exercise and gave me some aminoacids. In a couple of weeks I was feeling better, way better, unfortunately too much better. I was trying to finish my final project to finish my Master’s Degree and I was so active (and anxious) that I could not sit down to work or study. After a plan to leave everything and run to Disneyland for the day with a 10-month-old baby (we live 7 hours away from Disneyland), W decided it was too much and that I was having a hypomanic episode. I agreed. Now the question was whether I had depression or if it was a bipolar disorder. I stopped the aminoacids and in a couple of days, I was back to normal. So it seemed like it had been a bad reaction (although I kind of liked the feeling) to the aminoacids. In my mind I still thought it was something else and not just depression.
I got pregnant again, and like the previous time I was feeling great. I fired my OB, and got myself a great midwife who kept my anxiety to a minimum (considering that I’m a worrier, she did the best she could). Great pregnancy, had a healthy baby (C), no depression throughout the first year, and just when I thought things were going great, it hit back. Again it was time to see psychiatrists. I was put on Wellbutrin with horrible side effects, tried seroquel and risperdal and the only think that helped was Ativan. No help at all for depression. W thought maybe I would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist (Dr K) who was also a homeopath. I was reclutant to see her but agreed since the depression was getting so out of control.
Dr K was amazing. She was very nice and easy going. Didn’t panic about my constant suicidal thoughts or not remembering things. She always thought she could help me and the best part, without giving me antidepressants. The first session I was about to go to Mexico, so she gave me a homeopathic remedy, according to her, not very potent. A few weeks later, back from Mexico, she gave me a stronger remedy, a different one and it was supposed to help with depression. After about six months, the homeopathic remedies started to work.
I have been seeing Dr K and also W for a while now and once in a while Dr K would change the remedy. I have not been severely depressed again since then (2008-2009). Still something felt wrong. Something was not OK and I didn’t feel “normal,” whatever “normal” meant. I didn’t really know how I was feeling seven or eight years earlier, but I did know that something was not right now. But if I wasn’t depressed, then what was it? So my search for an answer began.
Under the skin 